Vicarious
by Fresh C
Summary: Sometimes the only way to be complete is to experience wholeness through the eyes of someone else. This stoy proudly holds the title of the worlds only 2 and a half hour one hour oneshot


**AN: **Yeah… I tried to write this in one hour and… well I failed miserably. I can not limit myself. I suck at it. In any case, I came up with this. It could be good… might be bad… might be interesting… I really don't know what to think of it too much (besides the obvious disappointment in not being able to write it within the time constraints). So, hopefully you'll enjoy it.

**Vicarious**

There was silence in the bedroom as the two of them were left to reflect upon the gravity of what they had just done. Allowing another to become so close, so dangerously intertwined with your being that the distinction between two separate entities slowly fades into one.

Hikari found that there was no easy way to justify her actions with the man lying beside her. To a certain extent there _was_ no real justification. As she rested with Shinji's head nestled into her chest, she couldn't hide the fact that she was nothing more than a pillow to him. Something soft to hold onto while waiting for the pain to ebb away. The act that they had committed was nothing more than a release. A way for them both to give up the natural frustrations that came with being truly and utterly alone.

Hikari didn't mind this at all. It helped him. And though she tried not to focus on the fact, it helped her as well. She only wished that he didn't cry.

"Are you done now?" She stroked the hair at the nape of his neck with the utmost of tenderness. Holding onto the feeling of each follicle as her hand passed over it. She liked to think she soothed him, but truthfully she didn't know.

Shinji didn't respond verbally. He wrapped his free arm around her and placed his hand at the small of her back. Hikari could feel the tremors in his body slowly subsiding. He was slowly growing more relaxed.

"You know," she whispered softly into his ear. "You made me feel good. There's nothing wrong with that…" She knew that her father would certainly disagree. So would her sisters for that matter. Maybe even her mother (God rest he soul). She also knew that after all these years none of them were coming back.

"I did it again…" said Shinji softly, frustration evident in his voice. "I tried so hard not to, but I did it anyways… I'm so sorry."

"You didn't mean to do it so it's okay. You just… can't help it." Her tone was the verbal equivalent of a shrug.

Shinji pulled away from her ever so slightly. Not enough to break contact with the young woman, but just enough for him to look her in the eyes. "How can you care so little?"

Hikari met his inquisitive glance with a small genuine smile. "It's better when you say it." Her smile became more confident as she observed Shinji's reddening cheeks. "I don't know what it is, but you always do it better."

Despite his embarrassment (or maybe because of it) Shinji frowned.

"But I want…" he paused to gather up his thoughts. "I don't want to pretend. I want to be here… to feel this… to do all of this with you."

Hikari saw his pain and she deflected it.

"Only you would complain when a girl complements your performance in bed," she said.

She'd grown good at it over the time they'd spent together. It was something she prided herself on. Being able to shield him from the full brunt of his self-inflicted pain. It was the least she could do really.

"I'm serious," said Shinji. And he was. "I can't keep doing this… It's not fair to you."

The two of them fell silent. What was there to say? Though she never stopped stroking his hair, it was a while before Hikari broke the silence.

"If you really feel so bad, there is a way you can make it up to me." Shinji could already hear the anticipation in her voice. She sounded almost playful in a way. He didn't have to ask what she wanted. He knew as soon as she finished that sentence. He asked anyways.

"How's that?"

When he looked up at her and was not surprised to see her smiling. It was one of the few sights left in this world that he never tired of seeing.

"Tell the story."

"How did I know you'd ask me to do that?" He asked smiling a little as well. He hated himself for feeling better. Why couldn't she just let him stay mad at himself, if only for a moment?

"And don't skip out any parts this time. Tell the long one."

Though his heart wasn't in it, Shinji sighed. It was important that she knew he did not like telling the story, because that was part of the story itself. It made it all the more precocious when the tale was told.

"I don't really know where it all began, really," said Shinji as if reading aloud from a novel. "In a way, it was like I always knew her. Sort of like she was a part of me that had been cruelly ripped away at birth, only to be returned with much rejoicing at a later date."

Lines such as these were periodically added overtime as the story evolved from a retelling of events, to a living epic.

"When I met her… I swore to myself that she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid eyes on. I don't know if it was the flawless tone of her skin, or the way her long hair seemed to fly perfectly in the wind… or maybe I just liked that sundress she wearing." Shinji lightly chuckled and Hikari laughed too.

"But it wasn't just a sundress, or how beautiful she was?" asked Hikari. "It was something more than that wasn't it?"

They spoke the following words in unison. "No, It was something much more."

After giving Hikari a mockingly reproachful glare, Shinji continued.

"Everything about her seemed to complement me. She was loud and obnoxious. I was shy and timid. She was strong and confident. I was weak and cowardly. And she had this… this commanding presence about her that I'd never seen anywhere else. It was strange how overbearing she could be, but-"

"For some reason you loved it when she bossed you around."

Shinji had grown far too used to her interruptions to be affected by them.

"Yes. I think, in a way I lived for it. I cared more about what she said to me than anybody else. More than Toji, who granted me with a friendship I didn't deserve. More than Rei, who seemed to want so much to reach out to me. And more than Misato, who really was the closest thing to a mother I'd ever had. She-"

Hikari cut him off with a frown. "Did you think more of her than you do of me?"

"I…" She rarely asked this question, but Shinji hated when she put him in this position. "You know how I feel about you."

But Hikari was persistent. "You promised not to leave anything out." At the look she received from Shinji she added, "You _promised_."

"I… why do I have to say it?"

Hikari gave him a look akin to annoyance. "You know why. Because it makes me happy."

Shinji shifted away from her gaze. She loved that about him. How he could never look her in the eyes when he said, "I loved her more than I could ever love you."

And Hikari smiled brightly. "Was that so hard?"

Shinji didn't give her an answer. He just continued on with what he had to do. It was clear that his heart wasn't in it anymore.

"She was the most important person in my life. The only person with which I could relate. The only person who I could count on to stay consistent. The only person in all of the worlds that ever existed who I could ever share a piece of my soul. And I loved her with…"

He tried.

"I loved her with all of my…"

He tried so hard to finish.

"I loved… her… I… loved her with…"

But he failed.

"I can't…" he said with a resolve that rarely graced the young man's features. "I just… I can't do this anymore."

Hikari looked as if she had been slapped in the face. "You can't just quit. You barely started."

Shinji rolled away from her. It was the only way he'd be able to think.

"I'm through with this. It's not… it's not right."

"Just finish the story," said Hikari sounding annoyed. It wasn't the first time they'd had this argument and it probably wouldn't be the last.

Shinji was more than a little frustrated. "I don't understand it. I just don't see what you get out of this. The only thing it does is remind you how much less I feel about you."

Under any other circumstances those words would have sounded harsh to his own ears, but by now he was accustomed to her thirst for what he assumed was self-depreciation.

"But you're wrong," she said… and she was smiling again. Smiling that beautiful smile that seemed to look right through him, to something that only she could see.

In another lifetime, she had once believed that she knew of love. A time when she dreamed of holding a boy's hand, if only for a little while. When she thought that she could live her life, off of the warmth of her presence. She thought she could be with Toji. She thought she could be everything for him.

But then third impact came. And she saw something… so amazing… so awe inspiring that it changed everything she believed in. She witnessed the connection of two people so intricately intertwined, that the concept of love barely seemed to cover it. It was a mutual need and selfishness that she found hard to comprehend. And she realized one horrible truth: She could never, not in a thousand years, nor in a million lifetimes come close to a feeling as deeply profound and frighteningly sincere as the one she saw before her.

So when she asked to hear him tell the story it wasn't out of self-depreciation. And when she allowed (sometimes even encouraged) him to call out her name, it had absolutely nothing to do with what she thought of herself.

She explained this to Shinji the best way she could.

"I love you when you love her."

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**AN: **So yeah, that's it. You should have seen the melodramatic crap I originally intended to throw in here. What's that you say? It's _still_ horribly melodramatic? Yeah well who asked your opinion anyways!

But seriously. I hope I didn't go overboard with the sap, and weirdness or whatever. Tell me what you thought of it, since this time I have no idea what I think myself. It's one of _those_ stories.


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